Billy Coffey
Billy Coffey

Battling the Urps

April 30, 2009  

(This post was first published as a column in the Staunton, Virginia News Leader on April 26, 2009)

I have had the hiccups for two days now. Not kidding.

It started as I was putting the kids to bed. One little hic, followed by another, followed by a double: hic-hic.

To my children, this is the funniest thing they have ever seen. Because these are not the sort of tiny urps you can keep to yourself. No, these are violent, thrashing inhalations that scramble my insides and cause the people around me to stare. And aside from a hour or so here and there of blissful calm, they will not stop.

I think I may be going insane.

Hiccups is technically known as singultus. “A quick, involuntary inhalation that follows a spasm of the diaphragm and is suddenly checked by closure of the glottis, producing a short, relatively sharp sound.” So says my dictionary.

Caused by “many central and peripheral nervous system disorders, all from injury or irritation to the phrenic and vagus nerves, as well as toxic or metabolic disorders affecting aforementioned systems.” So says Google. And if you can figure out what exactly that means, please let me know.

As far as cures go, it seems medical science is a little lacking. Drugs, of course, are an option. And also something called “digital rectal massage.”

I’m not sure what that means, either. But no…way.

The tried-and-true cures of holding my breath and getting scared haven’t worked, though my son continues to run up to me and shout “BOO DADDY BOO!!”

Undaunted, I am now studying the possible causes of my condition:

Lack of water. No, that can’t be it.

Eating too fast. A possibility, given the hectic nature of a normal day. But as this began in the peace and quiet of home, I don’t buy it.

Being hungry for a while. Another possibility. But as we had dinner just a few hours before this all started, I’d say no.

Laughing vigorously. A very good possibility.

Talking for too long. Me? No.

Overstretching of the neck. Huh?

Not much help there, either.

So here I sit, trying to type, hitting the backspace whenever my body convulses and renders “type” to “tyyype.”

Still, it isn’t all bad. Charles Osborne had the hiccups from 1922 to 1990, a record sixty-eight years. Since I’m competitive by nature, I now have something to shoot for. And I am slowly building a remarkable set of abs.

Besides, I would much rather have this sort of hiccup than the alternative definition: “To experience a temporary decline, setback, interruption, etc.”

Oh, yes. I’ve had plenty of those.

The interesting thing is that the causes of physical hiccups are the very same as the causes of spiritual ones:

Lack of water. Not the liquid kind. The other: “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again,” Jesus told the woman at the well, “but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

Eating too fast. And not just eating. We judge and condemn and speak and live too fast as well. How much beauty and joy do we miss in this life because we simply won’t slow down? Too much.

Being hungry for a while. Not a good thing for your body. Worse for your soul. Because if you’re hungry enough, even poison tastes good.

Laughing vigorously. Yes, life should be enjoyed. And yes, it should be fun. But let’s not forget that we’re here to make this world a better place. That takes work, serious work, and a lot of it.

Talking for too long. As my Grandma said, “God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you talk.” Our words are precious things of mighty power. Use too many of them, though, and both the preciousness and power wane.

Overstretching of the neck. This one hit me particularly hard. I’m always trying to crane my neck to get a better view, whether it’s to where I’m going or where I’ve been. But it’s more important to pay attention to where you are. The best way to make sure tomorrow will be fine and yesterday won’t matter is to take care of today.

How this will end is anyone’s question. But I know this: I would rather hic like this in my gut forever than hic one moment in my life.

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Filed under: faith, help, trials
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Comments

  • Seeking Grace on the Narrow Path

    Excellent analogy, my friend! How you compared hiccups to our christian character; that lacks luster for our daily walk with Jesus is beyond me. Very clever. Bless you!
    I still say the boy is a genius!
    Blessings,
    Bren

  • Heart2Heart

    Billy,

    What I love most about your blogs, is how you can take something so ordinary like hiccups, except the fact that yours are lasting a bit more than you would like, and make a spiritual analogy about the causes behind them.

    This is why I have to stop by here in the midst of my busy day to see what will you write about today?

    You are amazing in your talents as a writer! God has given you a most amazing talent in what you do and how you chose to share it!

    Now time for you to get those six pack abs just in time for summer.

    Seriously, here is hoping that they go away soon, we’ll be praying for you!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  • Laura

    Oh, my goodness, you make me smile!

    What a great article, Billy. I had to read parts of it out loud to my husband (especially the part about the rectal stim–he had the same reaction as you :)

    Thanks for coming by to see me, I love your blog too. Think I’ll pull up a chair and stay a while…

  • Rosslyn

    My daughter told me to drink apple juice. ??? Some tip she heard. Try it so you can tell us if it worked!

  • Beth in NC

    The analogy was awesome Billy! Great points my friend.

    I’m with you though — I would have stayed away from the rectal treatment (lol).

    Blessings!
    Beth

  • katdish

    Dang! You got all that out of the hiccups?

    Anxiously awaiting future object lessons from other bodily malfuctions…

    P.S. – Eating hard boiled eggs gives me the hiccups something fierce!

  • RCUBEs

    Thanks for posting it here. I’m glad you didn’t opt out for “digital stimulation”. Not a fun way! [But I wonder if it would have helped you get rid of those hiccups?" hmmm...]…
    You really have an amazing talent and we love comin’ here. God bless.

  • Monica

    Very cool. And I’m sure next time I get the hiccups, I will think of this. You essentially turned my future hiccups into learning moments. Thanks!

  • Ike

    Try slowly disolving regular chocolate in your mouth. It works for some people.

  • scarlethue

    I’ve always wondered where that idea that you can scare the hiccups out of someone came from. Too cute about your son trying to scare you.

    And thanks, she’s a good dog too, big ol’ floppy lap dog, just what my mom needs.

    Thanks for visiting me. :)

  • Sarah Salter

    That’s great, Billy! And good luck with that cure! I inherited a bent toward hiccups. (At least, my Mom says I inherited them…) I get them all the time and I haven’t really found a lasting cure yet. My co-workers refer to me as The Squeaky Toy because they say I squeak when I hiccup. It’s REALLY a pain when I’m at the altar at church, but I think that God understands. And it’s nice to know that there’s a spiritual lesson to be learned from the whole thing. :-)

  • david mcmahon

    Thanks for the visit and the generous comment, Bill.

    You have a great site here and you have a gift for writing.

    Yes, even for tyYping!! Hope those hiccups are cured now.

  • janelle

    Billy,

    I’ve been “gone” from bloggville for a few weeks; yours is the first that I’m reading as I catch up.

    God has given you a wonderful gift of taking life and translating it into something with eternal meaning.

    Thank you for sharing.

  • sharilyn

    only you, billy, can make such a great life/God lesson from a bad case of the hiccups! :) great analogy…

    additional tried-and-true cures to try: 1) breathing into a paper bag (lunch sack size held tight around your mouth and nose) for 60sec or so; 2) eating a teaspoon of sugar; 3) drinking water from the far side of the cup (good luck with that one…and have someone else in your family ready with a camera!)

  • Marie

    Wonderful analogy Billy. I loved reading your words as always.

  • Denise

    Once I again I will leave this spot with a smile. As a RN, I often see patients with hiccups after surgery. We try most everything old wive’s suggestions to medications but I have to say, digital rectal stim hasn’t been attempted. Maybe, if mentioned, it would scare the hiccups out of most! **smile**

    I am so glad you write! I always enjoy my visits here!

    Shalom,
    Denise

  • Nitewrit

    Morning Billy,

    I liked your hiccup beatitudes.

    I dread the hiccups, both those physical jars to the diphram and those interruptions to my life. I’ve had enough of both. Take heart, I think they’ll stop. I said I dred them and I do, because I have always had difficulty with getting rid of them. As a kid I was send home from school on occasion because of them. (See they have some good uses.)

    I believe the reason these various common wife tale cures work is they interrupt the interruption, so to speak. What I finally found that works for me is to eat something. Not all foods work, but a pretzle works pretty well for me.

    It’s worth a try.

    Larry E.

  • Helen

    My mamma would make me drink a tall glass of water real fast without taking a breath. That always worked for me. Couldn’t hurt, since you need to hydrate anyway.

    Amazing parallel between physical and spiritual hiccups. You really are an amazing writer.

  • Beth E.

    I think Ike’s onto something with the chocolate idea! Hmmm….how to treat hiccups: chocolate or digital rectal stim??? GO WITH THE CHOCOLATE!!! Haha

    Have a great weekend, Billy…hope you won’t have anymore hiccups like that!
    Beth

  • lynnrush

    Awesome post, Billy. I really enjoy your writing. How you can pull something so prevalant from hiccups….

    That’s amazing.

    Happy Friday!

  • Chris Godfredsen

    Seeing the disclaimer that this originally was posted in the paper, I was wondering where you might be going with this.

    As usual, God opened your eyes to an amazing thing. I praise Him for the work he does here through you in the blogosphere.

    No words from me today, just smiling that smile that comes from awe, wonder and amazement in a God so good as to touch us through others – you being one of my others!

  • Mixon

    OK Billy-

    Here’s a prescription from the doctor. It’s a small variation on some of the suggestions you’ve already received, but it works! Have faith!!

    Nine swallows of water from a glass without breathing, then when you do breathe, take that first big breath through your nose, and the hiccups are gone! Doc

  • Anne L.B.

    Billy, you are astounding. I can’t believe you can make me laugh the hardest I have in recent memory in one minute, then have me sighing with contemplation on God in the next.

    Amen to the power of words, mightier than the sword—which can only kill. Words can kill or give life, discourage or inspire.

    YOU are an inspiration.

  • Frisbies Forever

    You have the freshest way to look at things. You truly understand parables. Not many do. It is a gift.

  • jasonS

    Great post.

    My mom used to tell me, “you don’t have the hiccups!” to which I would protest and then she’d say, “hiccup for me, c’mon!”

    I would get infuriated and try as hard as I could and they’d be gone. It took me a while to figure out she was trying to help and not just be a jerk!

  • Tea With Tiffany

    :) I might try to hiccup today just for fun. All those definitions are intriguing. LOL

    Actually, I loved your post again! Always something fresh over in your NECK of the woods. Thanks!

  • Amy

    So far, it’s always worked for me…when I have hiccups, I lay on the bed on my tummy with my head hanging off, looking at the floor….and just lay there for a while. The pressure on my stomach, I guess….but they always go away.

  • Blessed Mom of 8

    Awesome post Billy!

    My favorite part of the entire thing is your Grandmother’s advice – words are powerful and should be kept to a few! My husband says the same thing in his teachings – we were given two ears and one mouth (that has a cage on it by the way)for a reason!

    Blessings and have a wonderful weekend!
    Jill

  • Sockrma18

    Two things:

    1) Try pickle juice, upside down from the back side of the jar. Yeah….if you can do that, you will DEFINITELY get rid of the hiccups.

    2) You now have a goal to shoot for? HILARIOUS. If you keep these hiccups for 68 years and one day, you will be my hero…..for more than just being an awesome writer and a good Christian man.

    :0)

    You rock, my friend.

  • Joanne Sher

    Incredibly apt analogy, and WONDERFUL storytelling and lesson. Wow.

  • lisasmith

    Holy cow that’s a long time to hiccup!!

    Love your view of life.

  • Toia

    Love th analogy and enjoy reading your post.

    This what I call taking lemons and making lemonade.

    Have a bless weekend!!

  • Warren Baldwin

    What creative talent. How does these ideas (developing the story and drawing this spiritual application) come to you? You have a great gift and are using it well.

  • Annie K

    Billy, the upside is after 68 years you’d blow right past the 6-pack abs and have a 12 pack. My brother once told me everything is better in a 12 pack. Oh, wait – maybe he wasn’t talking about abs…

    And I had no idea hiccups were so biblical. Who knew?

  • Warren Baldwin

    Ahhh, great English on my part, huh? That should read, “How DO (not does) these ideas come to you?”

  • Tamela’s Place

    I love your life application lessons. Maybe the Lord allowed you to have these hiccups so you could write this wonderful post. Are they over with yet? if not know that i will say a prayer for you that these hiccups will go already in jesus name!

    The toxic metabolic thing…. maybe an enema will do you good…lol.. sorry that is not funny is it? ugh!