Billy Coffey
Billy Coffey

The Dinner

May 12, 2009  

The local Outback Steakhouse is Nirvana to the steak-and-potato sort, of which I am a card carrying member.

It is also a favorite for teenagers on their first date, like the couple who was seated in the booth beside ours last week. Bad for them, maybe, but good for us. It’s not often that regular folks like my wife and I get both a dinner and a movie at the same time.

Sixteenish boy and very nervous, trying in vain to impress his classy date and not doing very well at it:

“Sit me first,” she said.

“Okay,” he answered.

“Do I look nice?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me I look nice.”

“You look nice.”

“Mean it.”

“You look nice.”

“That’ll do,” she says. (He breaths a sigh of relief. This is much harder than he thought it would be.) “Now, I order first, then you. Don’t order for me, though. Some ladies like that. I don’t. Did you bring enough money to pay for my food?”

Silence. Then his confession: “I thought you’d pay for your own.”

“No,” came the exasperated answer. “NO. You pay. Always.”

“Okay.”

“Sit up straight. Don’t fidget. Look me in the eyes. Smile.”

“Okay.”

“You’re going to pray, right?” his date asked.

“Um. I dunno. Should I?”

“You’d better,”

And on it went.

I felt sorry for that young man, I really did. He thought dating would be natural. Take a girl out, have some fun, maybe dinner or a movie, and then drive her home. No fuss, no muss. How hard could it be?

From the small beads of sweat on his forehead, plenty hard. His date was demanding. She offered little in the way of praise and much in the way of criticism. He was confused, frightened, and unsure of himself. All because of her. Why had he agreed to take her out in the first place? he wondered. And even asked. But she merely smiled and winked and said it was the only way he’d ever be allowed to take anyone else out ever.

He knew she was right, and so did I. She had all the power, you see. She’d had it for about sixteen years now.

Because his date, this unimpressed, hard, stringent lady, was his mother.

I manage to get the backstory when her son excused himself to the bathroom. Presumably to flush himself down the toilet, which also happened to be right where his evening is headed.

He’s a good boy, according to his mother. Always has been. And she wanted to keep him that way, too. But he’d gotten to that age when children began to feel a little too sure of themselves. Their world brightened and grews bigger, and they were under the impression that they were growing brighter and bigger right along with it. It was easy to get muddled and begin thinking they were in charge. That it was all about them.

So, mother and father decided that before they would allow their son to start dating, he would do a trial run with mom. It’s important that he knows how to treat a lady, she said. And it’s important to know how to spot one, too.

“Understand?” she asked.

Yes.

We pass onto our children what we consider to be the necessities of crafting a good life—the attributes of honesty and hard work, the values of education and faith. But too often what’s left out is the most basic necessity of them all: how to behave when mom and dad aren’t around.

Too many of us mourn the fact that today’s younger generation is so over-the-top rude. Too few of us take the time to consider the fact that much of the fault is our own. It was nice to see a parent put forth just as much effort to ensure her child got into the right life than she would to ensure her child got into the right college.

Education can get you far in life. Good manners can get you further.

Still, I couldn’t help but express my empathy for the young man.

“This has to be the longest night of his life,” I said.

“Oh, don’t feel sorry for him,” she smiled. “Feel sorry for his sister. She’s fifteen, and her first date is next year. With her father.”

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Comments

  • April

    That is one great story, Billy, especially since my oldest daughter, Brittany, is now dating. I have to commend the mother for trying to teach her son how to behave on a date, but, like you, I can’t help but feel sorry for the son, as well.

    Boys, not ALL of them, no longer know how to make a girl feel special. They certainly don’t know how to go about impressing her parents, either. We’ve had boys come by to take Brittany out who don’t say, “Yes, sir” or “Yes, ma’am”. It’s almost like hearing fingernails being dragged across a chalkboard…really makes my skin crawl! Manners, for the most part, have flown right out the door! I think many parents these day choose to take the easy road rather than spending the time it takes with their kids to teach them how to be courteous young men and women.

  • Blessed Mom of 8

    LOL! Love the last line!

    Oh how I love this Mom and Dad!

    Our philosophy is if you don’t train in the way they should go – how will they ever know?

    We train to sit still for 40 minutes so they can do it at church or wherever without fidgeting. We train to be silent. We train how to hold hands on stage without dancing around for the next dedication of our newest children. We train so they know what is expected of them and set them up for success.

    We are training our 15 yr old how to handle life just as much as we do our 18 month old. Because like this Mom and Dad – the training is what sets them up for success!

    Without failures safely with you – where will they get the confidence to truly try?

    Thanks for sharing this story – it was a great encouragment to me. I’m sharing the story with my husband :) He will appreciate it too!

    Hugs and blessings – Jill
    PS Excited to hear you had a nice date out!

  • katdish

    Totally didn’t see that coming.

    That was seriously good, Billy.

    Poor/lucky kid.

  • Keystone

    Both of my daughters had their first "date" ever with dad,…. me.

    My intent was to show them how to expect to be treated, tolerate nothing less, laugh and create memories, think fast, observe things that count, and make a friend.

    I also advised them in the course of the meal that dating today is a nightmare, if you have no pattern to follow.

    What are we really searching for?

    I reminded both (they are 9 years apart) that Christ had the 72.

    Out of 72, he had 12 disciples.

    Out of 12 disciples, he had 3 close friends.

    And out of those 3, only one was his beloved, John.

    I said to follow that pattern and make many many friends first as they dated. Out of that pool of people would come a great group to know. Only a few would be lifelong friends, and hopefully one would become beloved.

    Today's dating is pretty much take out a person, use them as a Kleenex,and throw them away after a solo use.

    I flew from Portland, OR to Tampa and my daughter was preparing for a major date in Pennsylvania that day. She text messaged her hopes and dreams.
    Along came a photo on my cell phone of her new hairdo.

    "How do you like it dad?"

    "Snap another shot from the side"

    The new photo came in as I crossed the streets of Dallas, several miles in the air.

    Her dress came in the next photo.
    Soon, she was chatting text messages to me
    (I am deaf) about the restaurant and what they were going to eat before the big dance.

    "Here is a picture of Alex and I, dad".
    (I had not yet met Alex, but here was a guy comfortable enough to be in a snapshot being sent NOW to dad, from a restaurant seat).

    I landed in Tampa and sought my car in their ridiculously oversized parking lot. The cell phone vibrated anew (I can't hear ringing).

    "I just landed in Tampa and have a 90 mile drive yet; how's it going?"

    "Alex and I are leaving the dance now dad. We are going to Emily's house and chill out with everyone. Have a safe trip in Florida. <3 "

    That <3 is a "heart" — turn your head sideways—meaning I love you.
    Sometimes I get a Christian fish as well: ><+>

    "And you have a safe date in Pennsylvania Karli.
    luv, dad"

    Alex…..is one of 72 to meet, one at a time.

  • sherri

    Cute story.

    Are you going to try this with your children?

    If so, please tell your son, if his date should be so bold as to ask him what her best feature is, NEVER say, “Your personality”. Tell him to ALWAYS say, “Your eyes.”
    A good, safe answer.

  • Billy Coffey

    Sherri – My wife will do this with my son, and we’ve covered the whole personality thing. My daughter will never date. Not if I have anything to do with it.

  • Lianne

    I am putting this one in my parenting files. Oh boy, what a great lesson to learn.

    I wish half the guys I’d dated had gone out with that kid’s mom first. Heh, heh.

    By the way, I gave you a shout-out on my blog today…I hope to send some more folks your way. Your posts are too good to keep to myself!

  • Annie K

    I am lucky to have kids that say thank you for the smallest things – like taking them to get a fluffy coffee drink or something. And when my son was about 8 he started opening doors for the ladies.

    I can’t stand rude people and I was determined that mine wouldn’t be that way. It has paid off. And people notice. (Ok, enough bragging…!)

  • Helen

    This mom was brilliant! I really enjoyed this story.

  • lynnrush

    OH my. At first I was, like, HOLY COW, why’d he pick her to go on a date. LOL.

    This was great!!

  • His grace is sufficient.

    Thanks for sharing this story, Billy. I loved it. I wish I had been as wise as this lady when my sons were getting ready to date.

    The girl in that family has something wonderful to look forward to. Girls, in this day and time, need to be trained just as much as the guys.

  • Yolanda

    I, personally, would be feeling for the son. Shew….what a lesson on life that he should have seen coming from his parents just by doing life with them. Do you think, perhaps?

    Learning is so vital, not matter what our age. Thank you for sharing your thoughts…..

    Yolanda

  • christy rose

    I have a 15 year old son and this story has been a great enlightenment to me. I am most definitely taking it in so as to somehow appropriate the idea of this before he begins to date.

    Thanks Billy for sharing this.

  • Beth E.

    This is an awesome post, Billy! You have definitely touched this mother-of-boy’s heart! :o )

    I have spent years (and years) teaching our boys manners and respect for others. It has been an uphill battle, especially in a society which has not only forgotten those manners ( I can’t stand it when teens call me “honey” or “sweetie” instead of ma’am)…but pokes fun at those who use good manners!

    I applaud that mother, and I’ll PRAY for the dad…gotta be tough letting your little girl date! LOL

  • Wendy

    I’m guessing he didn’t try for a goodnight kiss…

    It’s good for kids to get tortured like that. Builds character. When my daughter is 40 and we’re about to let her date, I’ll have her daddy take her out, too.

  • Tracy

    I LOVE THIS POST!!! Thanks Billy, for the story, the lesson, and the laughter! What a wonderful training lesson for a young man, or lady. I’ll have to remember this in 25 years or so, when we consider letting Sweet Pea date!

    And I for one, don’t feel a bit sorry for the boy. After all, the best learned and remembered lessons in life usually come with a fair amount of discomfort! Thanks again for sharing this!

  • jasonS

    Thanks for making me smile! And I was very confused there for a minute when his date turned out to be his mom, but I can be slow like that!

  • Sarah Salter

    Billy, you SAY that you won’t let your baby girl date. And that may be your intention. But one day, those precious women in your house will gang up on you and you’ll find yourself saying, “FINE! But you’d better be home by 9:30!” And then, you’ll meet some young pup at your door and you’ll say, “Boy, come here and let me show you something.” And with sweaty palms, he’ll follow you into the house. You’ll lock the door behind him and lean against it and say, “Boy, it’s my baby that you’re taking out tonight. If you so much as breathe wrong, she’s going to call me. And if my phone rings, I’m coming to find you and I’m bringing my gun.”

    For the rest of the evening, you’ll TRY to watch the Yankee game, but for the first time ever, you won’t be able to pay attention because your mind is at the movie with your baby girl. But she’ll come home safe and sound. And that night when you and your wife slip into her doorway to watch her sleep, your wife will say, “See, Billy, that wasn’t so bad.” And you’ll be thinking, “Oh, God help! Because this is only the first of 300 times that I have to live through this!”

    Sorry, Billy, but I couldn’t resist! And don’t worry, we’ll all pray for you when that day comes. :-)

  • Rosslyn Elliott

    I always have to remind myself that it does no good to teach my daughter what NOT to do if I haven’t taught her what to do instead.

    I tend to take certain behaviors for granted, now that it has been three decades since I was six years old myself.

    The spooky old story about the demons and the empty house applies here.

  • Amy

    I always make sure my boys know how to open doors, smile, hold out a chair for me….and other women in their lives. It’s the little things that make us women happy….

    By the by, my daughter says she is screwed trying to find a man because no man will ever treat her as well as her father does. Rightly so, I think….

  • RCUBEs

    I was feeling sorry for that kid at first….but he’s one blessed kid to have parents who want nothing but to instill a great value in him.
    That’s nerve-wracking but also a special moment of learning life’s values from wonderful parents.

  • Julie

    I loved this post. It’s a great thing to think about.

    You are so right. We as parents are responsible with these kids today. How much are we investing into them? How much are we speaking into them?

    My husband and I see the value of speaking into our children the story of God we see in their lives.
    Without it, nothing else matters. Who did God make them to be? What is His signature on them?
    What is it the enemy will attempt to steal away from them. If we can see that and call it out in them, then the sky’s the limit, in my opinion.

    Loved reading this and am so glad that I’ve found your blog, Billy. I enjoy my daily read here.

    Julie

  • Brenda

    That was a funny story. In the beginning I was thinking, "wow, he sure picked a bossy girl to go out with".

    I saw these felt sleeves for coffee cups called "cup kozy's". I'm going to send you one for Christmas so you don't get treated poorly at Starbucks on Earth day ever again!

    http://www.etsy.com/search_results.php?search_type=handmade&search_query=cup+kozy

  • God’s Not Finished With Us Yet…

    That is so funny! I think it’s a wonderful idea! Don’t know how well it’ll go over when my kids are old enough to date, but if their wanting to date than they’ll do what my hubby’s and mine requirements are, right?

    That’s a great lesson about todays generation. Funny, but very crucial. I, myself, already pray for my kids future dates and spouse. I think it’s crucial to start the training now with how our kids see mom and dad are towards one another. ‘They’ say that kids should always see their mom’s and dad’s cuddle or give a kiss daily so they learn the love between them.

    Loved the story!

  • Chris Godfredsen

    I nearly spit my drink all over the computer screen when you said it was his mother! OUCH!

    I have three daughters, and we have done the whole let’s go out for lunch or get some ice cream bit, but to take my 15 year old on a formal date is probably not anything I am going to do too soon.

    Scowl at boys calling on her, yes, sitting with her in the local Outback on Saturday night, “pry not” as she would say.

    I agree that we often miss things, I pray this is where the grace of God comes into play. To think of being 16-ish and on a date with my mother – well, pry not!

  • Heart2Heart

    Billy,

    Once again, another memorable post. I make sure that my daughter dates before they “go together”, as is the new norm. I mean how can you possibly be going out with someone, exclusively, and you have never dated? You don’t know if you even have anything besides first attractions going for you.

    Now that my daughter has tried that, she passes along that much needed advice to her teen girlfriends and guys that teens need to go back to basics and date.

    In other words, try the car out before you drive it. Not just how it looks but what the interior is like, how comfortable it is? You get the point and when I mention it the same to her and her friends, they completely get it.

    Let’s hope, we are raising a new breed of well mannered, polite and refined teens.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  • Denise

    I have one question….did he ever come out of the bathroom? I wouldn’t – at least not until after closing! :o )

    I loved my daddy with all my heart but to have my first date with him! Oh my…and I thought it was traumatic having the boy come to the house and meet him…in person.

    Great story. I love the way you see the ordinary and record for us the extraordinary within.

    You are awesome!
    Shalom,
    Denise

  • LisaShaw

    I enjoy reading your sharing. Thanks for sharing with us.

  • girlinaglasshouse

    Oh I am so glad that his date was his mom! Honestly I hated how that “young lady” was acting!

    You wrote the story exactly right…created sympathy/relief/empathy. Perfect job Billy!

  • Anne L.B.

    If you didn’t already think I was a nut, this should do it …

    Like Joshua Harris, author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, my husband and I don’t believe in dating. We see it as a set up for heartbreak and how-far-can-we-go-before-we-go-too-far (which is likely to go too far).

    There’s still a few of us old-fashioned sorts who are teaching our kids the courtship model.

    All else aside, I really did like this post and the route these parents are taking. Nice set-up, Billy.

  • Beth in NC

    Actually, that is a great idea! Ha.

  • Jennifer

    Scott and I have determined that our girls are never dating, so this will be a non-issue for us.

    I wish …

  • sharilyn

    oh, you’ll break down and let your daughter date, alright! but i can see you sitting there like the country song by Rodney Atkins–Still Cleanin’ This Gun! :)

    i love that mom! and i love all you parents who are training up your children in the way of proper behavior and manners… so few of the young people now have learned these most crucial lessons…

  • Tamela’s Place

    lol! as i began reading i was thinking to myself that this has got to be his mother. What a great life lesson for the young man.. I hope Dad will make a lasting impression upon the daughter. More parents should do that.. What a great idea :)

  • Lynn

    This is my first time visiting and I just wanted to tell you, you have an amazing blog. I love this story. I love the others that I read. You must write for a living. True? I won’t soon forget this story; I feel like I was right there at the next table with you, seeing it all play out. Thanks.

  • Angel

    Love it!

  • Sockrma18

    HAHAHHAHHAHAAAA!!!! Dinner and a free “movie”. You are always in the right places at the right time, my friend. :0)

    Poor kid, poor sister, brilliant mom.

  • Joanne Sher

    Do people walk up to you and say “Are you a blogger? Have I got an experience for YOU to watch!” This is SUCH an entertaining blog and incredible message for all of us. So much to teach.

  • The Homefront

    Being an older sister myself, I was expecting the punchline to be that it was in fact his Big Sis…this mom sounds exactly like I did coaching my brother before he took his date to Homecoming!

    Thanks for the grin…what a great date for you and your wife. :)