Billy Coffey
Billy Coffey

At the mall

August 14, 2009  

“Leave me alone, you freakin’ nut!”

A young lady at the mall. To me. Spoken in an angry and sneering voice that stops everyone else coming and going through the doors. People are spectacle-driven at their core. And this is quickly becoming a spectacle.

My crime, it seems, is that I looked back when I pushed open the swinging doors to the parking lot. Rounding the corner behind me came a blur of a woman. Boots, jeans, and a sweatshirt that announced her attendance at the University of Virginia. Huffing and puffing and mumbling to herself, she had the appearance of someone very late for something very important.

Three giant Gap bags, a pink-striped Victoria’s Secret box, a cup of coffee, a soft pretzel, and a purse were all haphazardly arranged in her arms. She steamrolled toward me while trying to look at the expensive watch on her left arm.

So I exited, stepped to my right, and held the door open with my left hand.

She charged ahead, still trying to check the time and still not quite doing it. Then she glanced up long enough to get a bearing on the door. Which, thanks to me, was already open.

“Excuse me?” she said.

I smiled. She didn’t.

“I got the door,” I said. “Come on out.”

“Don’t you hold that door for me,” she said, eyes bulging. “I am perfectly capable of opening the door without the assistance of anyone else.”

First thought—huh? Second thought—I should have stayed at home.

“I’m sure you can, ma’am,” I said. “But I just thought—”

“I don’t care what you thought! What is this, Big Strong Guy rescues puny woman? Well I don’t need your help, Big Strong Guy. I just need you to get out of my way!”

“Ma’am, I didn’t mean any—”

That was when I was cut off by the “freakin’ nut” comment. Plus a few others I really don’t care to elaborate upon.

Which brings us to the present moment. This lady’s rant has escalated in decibels and language enough to become a very effective attention magnet. Most everyone using the doors pauses to watch the scene. Not that I can blame them. I would stop and watch, too.

“LET GO OF THAT DOOR LET IT GO NOW!!” she screams.

I stand my ground. Partly out of the deep ethical conviction that is at the root of every good Southern gentleman, but mostly because I have decided that no yuppie college liberal with a chip on her shoulder is going to tell me what to do.

“I ain’t gonna do it,” I say.

So she yells more.

About not being a helpless child. About self-reliance and women’s liberation and archaic traditions. She screams and spits like Hitler behind a podium. And as is usually the case with people who shout at me, my eyes glaze and her voice fades into a muffled, incomprehensible voice. Not unlike the “Waa waa waa” used by Charlie Brown’s teacher.

“…and don’t you ever think otherwise, do you understand me?”

No. Not really. But I can’t tell her I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t want to get hollered at again. Besides, I’m getting a little tired from holding that door.

So I take a deep breath and say, as humbly as I can, “Ma’am, I am truly sorry for offending you. You’re right. You can handle this. Please forgive me.”

She starts her rebuttal, but I close the door in mid-sentence. The faces of the men in the crowd around me show a slight sense of disappointment, either because they want to see me wait her out or they want to see me get slapped. The faces of the women are mixed, as if they somehow know there can be no winner here.

Satisfied that she has just won a pivotal battle in the war of equality, the woman adjusts herself, turns around, and pushes the door open with her hip.

Halfway through, she trips.

Shopping bags and coffee and pretzel and purse scatter in all directions, and she hits the concrete with a loud thud.

Silence all around.

The woman sits on the cold concrete, momentarily confused in a heap of freshly stained Gap T shirts and a rather attractive nightgown.

The crowd is stunned at the irony.

And me? I’m barely managing to keep a straight face. Nice? No. Honest? Yes.

Then my Christian guilt kicks in. I should help her up, I think. Jesus would help her up. It’d be a turn-the-other-cheek kind of thing.

But as I take a step toward her, I am met by laser beams shooting from her eyes.

Then again, I’m not Jesus.

From the look of things, none of the other folks still milling around are Jesus, either.

The sudden realization of just how stupid she looks makes the woman jump up, grab her purchases, and scurry off into the parking lot. The crowd begins to disperse, some heading to their cars and others into the mall. One man opens the door for his wife, who laughs as she walks through.

My faith says that I have to love this woman. Whether I want to or not. And I don’t want to. Not at the moment, anyway. But still, the love Jesus says we should all have for everyone isn’t the sort that is a noun. It’s a verb. It means doing. Loving others is more than forgiving stumbles or remembering birthdays. It means caring. And also allowing yourself to be cared for.
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Comments

  • jasonS

    I remember this one- great post and great story! I've had similar situations where I've tried to help and been told no as she struggled (nothing as dramatic as that though!). It amazes me that someone would mistake helpfulness for condescension and refuse someone who only has their best interests at heart. Oh wait, we do that to God all the time. :)

  • Anne L.B.

    Which is why I wear a skirt and a pleasant (not inviting) look which invites gentlemen to open the door. Much easier to get through life, and saves much conflict and humiliation.

  • Heather Sunseri

    When is your book coming out? Because I truly love your writing. That sounded like a perfect scene out of a romance novel. In a novel, the guy in the story would be single, the girl, hopelessly single, and eventually, they would live happily ever after. (After she had some life-changing event, of course.)

    Happy Friday!

  • SM Blooding

    I would have opened the door for her too, and I'm not a Southern gentleman. I'm a Western woman. Heck, I hold the door open for men too. It's just a nice thing to do.

    However, I can say that I never got ripped for it. I do…occassionally get the weird looks from people that almost read like, "Why are you being nice and what do you want?" *shrug* I don't care. I do it anyway!

    Anyway! I decided it was time to stop lurking and say hi. So, "Hi!" I love your blog. Like your writing style and can't wait to read your book.

  • Jim H

    "Nice? No. Honest? Yes."
    as gangsta Yoda would say "Tru dat"!

  • Peter P

    I would have been tempted to find a club, bash her over the head with it, sling her over my shoulder and say "Me man, you woman" and carry her through the door.

    Then I'd have remembered that hardly anyone carries clubs any more and caveman tactics are generally frowned upon by the courts… oh, and I'm a wimp so I wouldn't have been able to sling her over my shoulder anyway!

    Great story. I actually find those ones the easy ones to love, they display their hurt, panin and turmoil so openly.

  • Bridget Chumbley

    It is never a good thing when people start sounding like the waa waa waa adults on Charlie Brown! You keep up being your gentlemanly self and never let the uptight 'panties in a bunch' type get you down Billy ;)

  • Keystone

    “Leave me alone, you freakin’ nut!”

    With that opening line, I was sure that this post was a continuation of "Laurie's Search", from last time. I thought she "dumb-downed" her vocabulary after your post, and was now meeting you, face-to-face.

    Alas, it was not Laurie in this post, but there seems to be an abundance of "Laurie" types, as well as the militant fools, everywhere these days.

    I have had this happen often, especially in NYC, from McDonalds to Macys.
    Once, being on the receiving end of inhospitality like you, I let go of the door and walked back IN. I went behind the woman. As she walked out, I followed and when we were on the sidewalk, I said:
    "Thanks for getting that door for me"….as I walked away.

    I smiled that I would never be her future spouse, and prayed for the poor soul who would.

  • FaithBarista Bonnie

    Oh, poor woman. Too bad she couldn't enjoy her Coffey moment. Jesus was hoping to open the door for you, girl. He sent you Coffey, girl!

    Here, in the left coast, a southern gent's a sight for sore eyes.

  • Annie K

    You know what I would've done Billy? (had I been standing there watching the spectacle)

    Laughed my you-know-what off. Honest? Yes. Apparently Murphy's Law is alive and well in your neck of the woods. And there's nothing wrong with Miss Allthat eating some humble pie.

    Ok, now I'm done laughing I will go work on being a better person than that. Apparently I'm not Jesus either…(sigh).

  • Kelly Combs

    Okay, secretly you tripped her right? Come on, 'fess up. LOL! I am a Christian, but if this wasn't a perfect example of Karma, I don't know what is.

    Good for you for seeing Jesus in all of this. But you know, Jesus also said that when folks reject you, just keep going and brush the dust off of your feet. (Matt 10:14).

    And I must add as a disclaimer than not all UVA folks are jerks. REALLY.

  • Coenraad

    This post just reminded me again why I can not go through a day without reading your blog.

    Thank you for your great writing, and thank the Lord for giving you this talent…

  • Carol

    I always enjoy a very pleasant door holder. I think it is such a gentleman thing to do and it often does make life easier. We should learn to accept help even if we are strong and capable.

  • ~Brenda

    Wow. That girl needs Jesus … and a few pounds of chocolate.

    ~Brenda

  • Jeanne Damoff

    I always love your stories, Billy. And I love that you posted a picture of a shield, which to me says, "Knight in shining armor," though you may have wanted one at the time for protection. She called you a nut? Mercy. What a poor, confused girl. I really doubt she'll forget this incident, though. And hopefully some day the seed will blossom into some honest self-examination. If I walked around with that kind of anger, I'd want to do something about it.

    I'll never understand people who shun chivalry and good manners. Almost everyone around here holds the door for others. If you get to the door first, you hold it for the next person. It's just that simple. All ages. All genders. And folks go out of their way to open doors for the elderly. Of course, people around here also wave at you when they drive by, even if they have no idea who you are. Southern small towns have their issues, but they have their advantages, too.

    You're a delight and a gift to your community–even the ones who don't realize it. Keep up the good chivalry, Sir Coffey.

  • Terri Tiffany

    LOL You are a better man than my husband would have been if a woman treated him like that when he was being nice.
    He still has to remind me where to stand when he opens the car door for me:)

  • Caroline

    This was my second time to read this post but I still enjoyed it very much. The first sentence just captures one! Thank you.

  • Melanie

    ohhhh i would just swoon if a gentleman opened the door for me…it happens so rarely nowadays…so sad.

    Melanie

  • Mark

    That's hilarious – and sad – some women just don't appreciate it when you hold the door – women's lib has ruined a lot of women

  • Lianne

    You wonderfully chivalrous fool! LOL! This may be one of my top favorites of your posts.

    Don't you know that God was watching this go down and laughing, too? Justice is a beautiful thing.

  • ~*Michelle*~

    yikes.

    I did laugh out loud with the laser beams shooting from her eyes….wow….I wonder who "you know what" in her Corn Flakes that morning.

    Great story…..glad you came out in one piece, it could have gotten ugly.

  • Jennifer

    Wow–what has the feminist revolution done to the ability to accept a kind gesture. Sad.

  • Heart2Heart

    Billy,

    Oh how I cringed reading the rant of the bag lady and you about the reasons behind the politeness of holding the door open.

    I am so glad that you did what you did, because you kept your Southern Gentleman intact and had the woman merely accept your small politeness, none of this would have happened.

    Perhaps that is the story of good versus evil winning out. You (Jesus) and the bag lady (Evil in the form of your choice) = Justice served. Obviously she hasn't met the Proverbs 31 woman?

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  • Candace Jean July 16

    Had I been there, I also would have offered to hold the door for her. You know that wasn't me, right? I mean, she was young, she SHOPS, and no, they don't sell granny panties at VS.

    But I would have stood there in mine and laughed my head off at that scene. Well played, Mr. Coffey. You are a master with the written word.

  • sarah haliwell

    Great story, really made me laugh. But I got all serious at the end because I can love that girl – she thinks she's so strong but she's actually a victim, brainwashed, stripped of love. I feel very sad for her. Maybe a few more Bill Coffeys in her life and she will start to feel the warmth of love and it will rescue her.

    PS your weblog is absolutely one of my favourites.

  • Karin

    Please, go on being your perfect gentlemen self and do not allow one mad and angry person to affect your show of thoughtfulness, consideration and kindness. She did make an excellent subject for a great post though! Hope the Lord opens her eyes to her need of HIM. Pride does come before the fall.

    Up here in western Canada we do hold the doors open for anyone looking like they need help – old, young, male, female.

  • Denise

    You did the right thing, bless you.

  • katdish

    Okay seriously…

    I don't get people like that AT ALL.

    You were WAY nicer than I would have been. Way, way nicer…

  • Nitewrit

    Billy,

    In all honesty, if I was in that situation my first thought would be I should let go of the door right in her face. I wouldn't, of course, because I'm a gentleman, too.

    It is sad to see someone get to such a state where common courtesy becomes some kind of insult. I hold the door for anyone, man woman or child. Not because i think them incapable, but because it is the proper thing to do.

    Larry E.

  • Jess

    After reading this post, I now understand why my husband insists that a man's place is NOT in a mall!

    Miss High-and-Mighty tripping on her way out the door is just the kicker of this whole story! Too many times God wants to help us out…gives us ample opportunity and we refuse, turning into that 2-year-old that says "no, I can do it myself" only to try it on our own and fall flat on our face! God really does have a sense of humor, doesn't he!

  • Amy

    “I ain’t gonna do it,”

    *giggle*

    My boys have learned to hold the door for anybody. If anyone dared give them an evil eye, I'm afraid my reaction would be less than polite.

  • Beth E.

    Oh, I definitely needed this laugh! Oh, what a pitiful state we're in if we can't accept the kindness of others.

    You can hold open the door for me anytime, Billy Coffey!

    Have a great weekend…
    Beth
    P.S. We got our youngest delivered to his college yesterday…one down, one to go. Then, hubby and I begin a new chapter in our lives as we adjust to having an empty nest.

  • Beth in NC

    I always love your stories — never disappointed.

  • Shanda

    I wonder if she'll re-think her stance next time her arms are full?

    God is so good to allow poetic justice occasionally isn't He? ;)

    Thank you for being one who still opens doors for us…it is appreciated and I didn't want her negativity to be the "loudest" voice on that. Many of us wholeheartedly appreciate a gentleman.

  • craisin:D

    wow! is really all i can say. God has definitely blessed you with patience and a love for people in general.

    i got a really good lesson out of reading this though. it has inspired me to go out and love ALL people just like God did with ALL of us despite the mood we were in, or the mistakes we've made.

    i'll be prayinng for that woman, and thanks again for the awesome post:D

    Yours Truly,

    Caitlyn (Craisin)

  • Craig and Heather

    My "holding the door open" story is much shorter. She gave me those laser eyes and asked with a sneer, "You aren't holding that door because I'm a lady, are you?" My answer, "Obviously not, I am holding this door because I am a gentleman!"

    Craig

  • Wendy

    Oh c'mon now… If it had been Jesus opening the door for her, I'm sure He would have at least let out a little snort before trying to help her up off the ground. Funny is funny and God's got a good sense of humor.

  • FrankandMary

    I'm not a religious woman, but I'm betting Jesus had a well developed sense of humor. IJS.

    I'm a self-reliant woman, but courtesy and dependency are 2 different things. She is a feminazi, not a feminist.

    Amy (Meh) linked to you and she is a friend, so I stopped by. You seem like a doll. Don't let it bother you…she had the problem, not you.
    ~Mary

  • Missie

    What comes around goes around! LOL

    I would have held the door open for her too, and I'm a woman. I wonder what she would have said to me? LOL

    You did the right thing by opening the door, she did a wrong thing by talking the way she did to you, and she got punished for it! LOL

    I'm new to your blog and I'm glad I found it.

    Enjoy your day!

  • girlinaglasshouse

    Ha! "Then again, I’m not Jesus"
    Rich, Billy.

    You can open a door for me anytime.

    Remember the story of the wind and the sun? Which one was stronger? The wind because it blustered and blew and made a raging storm? Or the sun because it beamed so brightly that the travellor was compelled to remove his coat. Its like that with the door…

  • Melissa

    Wow. That really is sad that someone would act that hateful because you did a nice thing like hold the door open for her. People like that are very hard to love. But as a christian we have to see past that and keep a loving heart and kind attitude..which is very hard, cuz people like that make you want to do not so nice things. You seem like a very sweet gentlemen. There should be more men like you and less women like that, lol.

  • Joanne Sher

    I do NOT remember this one, and am SO glad I had time to stop by this weekend. What a battle. I'm not Jesus either – but by reading this, I truly believe you are helping me get closer. Thank you.

  • Darlene

    Well Said! I am visiting via Kathy from Heart to Heart!
    Have a Fabulous DAY!

  • Beth

    Stopping by via Amy at "Meh." I can assure you that I would have smiled nicely and said "Thank you!" if you'd held that door for me, and I consider myself a strong woman, and maybe even a bit of a feminist. Too many people don't get that something like what you did isn't about gender inequities. It's about common courtesy. I'm all of 5-foot-nothin', and I hold doors for men and women of all ages. It's just trying to help someone. What's so wrong with that?

    All my best,
    Beth

  • Mich

    Just stopped by for a visit…wow! God gifted you with the ability to write! I was glued.

    If it was just a story, I would be laughing out loud, but sense it was true, my heart feels so sad for the lady. You know she is missing out on a whole lot of joy in this world because of her anger.

    It was really nice meeting you, I will for sure be back for another story.

  • Ken Jackson

    Billy

    Awesome post. As my father taught me always use your manners and be a gentlemen especially toward women.

    I still say yes sir and yes ma'am regardless of their age. it was just the way I was brought up.

    Keep them coming.

    KJ

  • Luke

    I don't think my life ever contains high amounts of irony like that.

    Of course, no one has screamed at me for holding a door for them yet…

    ~Luke

  • Holly Brennan

    Wow. That's priceless. I've been fussed at for holding the door open for someone before, but never with as excellent results.

    I was walking into work one day, and just held the door for the person behind me. It was an older black gentlemen.

    He stopped, and said no, don't hold that for me.

    I dropped it; I don't have to prove a point (I am a girl, after all!).

    So I was walking down the hall to my office, and he fell in step beside me.

    "Don't need to hold no doors," he was muttering. "We're all humans. We don't need no one holding doors because they think someone is better than them. We're all humans…"

    He turned off for his office, leaving me walking down the hall still.

    I was more amused than anything – all I was trying to do was be a nice person and hold the door. It's just basic courtesy, or so I thought…

    I do have to say, I LOVE it when a guy holds a door for me. I'm perfectly capable: I know it, he knows it. But stupid women are robbing men of the chance to be a gentleman. Best part is that these same women will go on a good tirade about how there are few good men left.

    Yes, because that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You trained men to not be men.

    You bet I will walk through a door that a MAN holds open for me, and I will be happy to do so.

  • Keystone

    @Holly Brennan

    You are a nice person!
    You did the right thing.

    At the base of this blogpost and comments is an area of links.
    The first link is "A Teachable Heart" by Shanda. She effectively takes this post into a new tributary of discussion for her audience, addressing men and women.

    I encourage you to read it.

    I left the third comment there, and discussed a cat, saved from Hurricane Katrina, and watched by me for the friend who adopted this cat (and more cats and dogs). She was on extended vacation. The cat learned over time, I was the sole source of food, and I became "OK".

    I had tried for weeks to hold the cat to no avail. Finally, the day came when she rested on a bed in sunlight, and by softly approaching, petting, and lifting, I held her in my arms for the first time. I was shocked.
    This cat…had lost her purr.
    A purr in a cat is a sign of contentment.
    Was it abused as a kitten?
    Was the fight for life outside in a hurricane, strong enough to destroy a great city and kill so many, able to remove a purr?
    I do not know.

    The girl Billy met at the door lost her purr too, long ago. She bleats like a goat instead of remaining silent with no purr.
    Either way, she has no contentment.

    But your old black man caught my eye, for his purr of contentment is likely known. He is old enough to have had a grampa, or friend, as a slave, maybe lynched, maybe whipped, maybe well cared for, but not free as are humans (he said this to you….we are all human; no one is better).
    He has a purr, but just as touching softly on a terrible bruise causes hurt anew…
    (we do not know the bruises people carry or where or why)
    … this man seems to recall the loss of dignity at being human and NOT free. He wants no one to serve him. His forebears did that enough for others. It bruises his dignity anew.

    And in accepting no servant work from others, including your innocent gesture, by carrying the burdens of the past, he simultaneously loses out on the joy of serving others, as Jesus Christ espoused and taught us is right and just to do.
    Indeed, it is mandatory.

    Courtesy never goes out of style. May you receive a lifetime of it in abundance!

    Keystone

  • Sheryl

    seriously? for real? who on earth in their right mind turns down help and manners. i hold the door for everyone (i am a woman – maybe that would have been okay in her book)

    sorry…but i laughed out loud when i read that she wiped out. i like a good wipe out and i like it even better when humiliation is involved. now i need to go repent learn to be more like Jesus.

  • Rebecca on The Homefront

    Eeeep! She wasn't from around here, was she? I'll never understand that militant brand of feminism. Sure, we're equal of mind, but it's still nice to have a gentleman hold a door. Maybe it's a Southern thing.

    “I ain’t gonna do it,”

    Absolutely priceless!

  • Cara

    I just found your blog, and so far, I love it. Thank you for that post, it was great! I'd say it made my day, but I've already been at church, so therefore… ;-)

    I too, like many responders, am female, and I open doors for everyone. For the record, I love, love, love it when guys show extra courtesy to me because I'm a girl. Not that that is what you were doing- for heavens sake, wouldn't any decent person try to open the door for another in that situation? But its sad that so many girls are making it difficult for men to behave like decent human beings. :-/ I might have had a second of hesitation when I saw the VS box but… that just means I've got to learn to be more like Jesus myself. Who knows what her story is…