Billy Coffey
Billy Coffey

Packing for life

August 17, 2009  

Though my job is a relatively peaceful one, that’s not generally the case this time of year. Students are returning after their three-month vacation, bringing with them a bevy of noise, confusion, and above all, questions.

Most are straightforward: “How do I send mail out?” “Where is the academic building?” “Is there anything around here to do other than stare at the mountains?”

Others are a bit more complicated and require a good deal of thought in order to correctly answer. Like the one I got yesterday when the phone rang.

“Hello,” the voice said, “my daughter is an incoming freshman, and I was just trying to make sure she has everything she needs before she leaves here.”

“I think you want the Student Life office,” I answered.
“Oh,” he sighed, “my apologies.”

“No problem. Hang on and I’ll get you their number.”

“Uh…” he started, then stopped.

“Yeah?” I asked.

He sighed again. Then: “Man, I hate this.”

I smiled into the phone. “I can understand that,” I said. “Got a daughter of my own. She’s only seven, but she’ll be seventeen before I know it.”

“You’re time’s comin’, young man,” he answered. “My time’s already here. Guess I’ll call that other office. I’m sure she’s gonna need more than new clothes and a computer, huh?”

“I would guess so,” I said.

We said our goodbyes and I hung up, trying to busy myself with the tasks of the day. But our conversation lingered and refused to be pushed away by the other phone calls and questions that followed.

In my experience, it was the mothers who seemed to be fine with their daughters going to college. Sure, there were tears and the wringing of hands. But they seemed to more easily share a sense of excitement with their children. They had mothered their daughters for seventeen years, and now was the time to push them out of the nest and see if they could fly.

It was the fathers who had such a tough time. They were the ones unpacking cars and walking around campus with a how-did-this-happen-so-fast? look on their faces. Not yet accepting of the truths of both time and reality, they were fighting the battle letting go and hanging on. This experience may have been a wonderful beginning for their daughters, but it was a bittersweet ending for them.

It wasn’t that they didn’t trust their little girls. They did. And it wasn’t that they were not excited for this new phase of their children’s lives, because they were. No, what bothered them was what was bothering the man who had called me earlier. They were trying to ease their worries. They were trying to convince themselves that their daughters had everything they needed for college.

And the man on the phone was right. His little girl needed much more than new clothes and a computer to get through this new phase of her life. She also needed what we all need when going somewhere both scary and new.

If I could have had that conversation over, I would have told him to make sure his daughter packed plenty of courage. Leaving the familiar for the strange is tough on most of us. There were always those students who discovered how tough it was to walk the tightrope of college without the safety net of parents. Courage would allow them to look ahead instead of down.

And I would have told him to double up on love, because no matter how all-knowing and confident his daughter might seem, inside she was still a little girl who would always need the approval of her father. She couldn’t take her home to college, couldn’t take her neighbors or her friends. But she could take the love of those closest to her, and that would be enough. Because love is really all you need.

Faith, too, would be important to send. Not just faith in herself, her abilities, and the choices she’s made, but faith in God. Because if God is needed anywhere, it’s on a college campus.

And there were other supplies he could send too, things like determination and perseverance and joy. Curiosity and hope and openness.

That’s what I should have told him. And that’s what I promised myself I would tell the other fathers who called from then on. Because in the end it’s not the things you can purchase in minutes that you have to take with you from one place to another, it’s the things you have to gather over time.

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Comments

  • Peter P

    Thanks Billy.

    Just when I was beginning to toughen up and not be so emotional about my son starting school, you have to go drop a post like THAT on me!

    Well thought through and written, as usual!

    I feel like a crappy Dad tonight. My son told me he hates me for the first time. I know he didn't mean it, he's four after all, but it hurt all the same.

    I wonder how I feel when they leave home…. I dread to think!

  • Bridget Chumbley

    Wow Billy…as my children are getting older and closer to leaving the nest I want to make sure they have all they 'need'. I think this is a good list to keep handy when the time comes (and it will all too soon).

  • Wendy

    All of that and a bunch of rolls of quarters for laundry and his daughter will be set. :o )

  • Hi! I’m Grace

    This is such a wonderful post, Billy. I hope every student can read this.

  • Mark

    right on – you write very well, pal

  • Anne L.B.

    I suppose the hardest part of packing all those things into life for me is not leaving behind or allowing to be crowded out what already made it into my baggage that I need.

  • Denise

    Amen, amen. Very beautifully said my friend.

  • Blessed Mom of 8

    Amen Billy!

    It is the things you acquire over time that are needed. I pray that more parents don't let time slip by without investing into their child – courage, hope, joy, understanding, humility, grace, mercy and love! Because you can't simply say them when it is time to go during the big college talk.

    These are seeds that are sown into your child over years – watered and tended to by each parent year after year. Some seeds don't seem to want to grow no matter how much watering you do – but those are the seeds you trust to God to tend to! That will grow perfectly when He knows they need that seed most.

    As a Mom of 8 – with a now 15 yr old in the house and only 3 more years to tend to the garden we have planted inside of her – you can bet we are tending more now that we realize time is flying by!

    We only get one chance at this life – it is NOT a dress rehearsal. I often thank God for that. Some people are afraid of that and hope they get more than one chance to do it right. Sometimes God gives us those second chances here – but not always.

    Sowing and Reaping – are in the front of my mind daily – we I sow today I will be reaping in our children for the rest of my life!

    Blessings and love,
    Jill

  • April

    Oh, my goodness, Billy…why didn't you warn me this would be a real tear-jerker? With Brittany now 17 and a senior, I know all too well that I will be facing what you wrote about very soon. I just pray that God will give me the strength and the wisdom to get through it.

  • Joyce

    Great post…I have two daughters in college. Its definitely been tougher on my husband…in his mind I think he sees them as still about 8 and 10. They are sweet though and they love that about him.

    When you leave your child at college for the first time and you drive away from the campus you are acutely aware of what you've taught them in life and you hope it is enough. And that it sticks. Faith and courage…I love that. It is what I pray every day for my girls.

    Enjoy your little one…7 is a great age. But so is 19. And 21.

  • katdish

    So baggage isn't always a bad thing. I like to travel light, but some things you should not leave home without.

    I will now stop speaking metaphorically. You're welcome.

  • Jim H

    Billy,
    Thanks for this – I'm sending the link to my son-in-law who is going through this right now. Again, I appreciate your insight and gentle manner of sharing – Bless You!

  • Candace Jean July 16

    Having sent 3 kids off to college 10, 12, and 14 yrs ago, you nailed it, Billy. Forget the microwave and the computer – you know how to pack. Loved this!

  • Joanne Sher

    Wonderful post, Billy. I hope LOTS of fathers call you by accident this semester, because they will definitely be blessed. Wow.

  • Nitewrit

    Billy,

    I think it was tough sending the kids off to any new step. It still is. And if you think a father worries sending a daughter off to college, it pales when you send one off to a war.

    Larry E.

  • Beth in NC

    Here I am dreading preschool starting next month! I can't even imagine college! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  • lynnrush

    Right on, Billy!

  • Kelly Combs

    I have 2 daughters. Will be sharing this post with their dad.

  • Sarah Salter

    I was 25 when my parents moved me into the dorm at Methodist College. And I had already lived on my own for almost 5 years. But I still got huge lumps in my throat when they left that day. My Mom was smiling and joking all the way. But when my Dad got behind the wheel of the truck and closed the door to leave, I felt like I had lost my last best friend… And Wendy's right! The rolls of quarters are AWESOME! :-)

  • Doug Spurling

    So true. Seven today, seventeen tomorrow. Love filled Time & Prayer. Can't give them too much of it.Thanks Billy, you're doing great!

  • Julie Gillies

    My daughter started her first official day of high school today, after being home schooled exclusively. She's already making her college plans; I'm already mentally preparing myself for the inevitable.

    Sigh.

    P.S. The entire time I'm reading this I'm picturing Steve Martin in "Father of the Bride". They grow up, whether we're ready or not.

  • Marni

    I'm a mess. Mascara everywhere. But this was what I needed to read. Thank you so much for that.

    My first born leaves for college in 4 days. Seriously, I don't know how we got here. That cliche of "it seems like yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital" is so dead-on.

    May I share with you how God has made a path for this next phase of Lindsay's life? I've put her college years to prayer for the last 6 years. These last years, I was consumed with praying for her future roomate, the choices Lindsay would make, and the boys or "the boy" that she might meet during her college years. I prayed that my husband and I taught her as much about Jesus as she could be taught and showed her how to make that faith her own.

    And now, we learn that God has given us another sister in Christ as Lindsay's roomate (Praise You!) and the College Life group at a local church has heavily recruited Lindsay to be a part of their fellowship, so she will join them 4 times a week (Praise You!) and her very best friend for the last 5 years, also a brother in Christ, will be attending the same college with her (Praise You!).

    I'm sad, but so excited for her. I feel nags of worry here and there, but I am not afraid. My husband says he's where I am. God is providing and He is in control. He loves Lindsay far more than I ever could…and she loves Him right back.

    My cup runneth over.

    PS–Lindsay has been crazy about your blog ever since the entry about the young woman who wrote her "last will" and left her faith to her professor. If she's ever brave enough to quit lurking and leave a comment, you'll know who she is :)

  • Andrea

    Sounds like GOD is preparing your heart for the next phone call or encounter.
    Blessings, andrea

  • Beth E.

    I can definitely relate to this! We just helped our youngest son move to college last Friday, and will help his older brother return to his college this week.

    You are right about the moms…I have seemed to adjust better than my husband, Bill. He has had such a close relationship with our boys…they've done everything together for years. Bill's dad died when Bill was just a young boy. Growing up, he always yearned for a father-son relationship. So, when we had two boys, he was able to have that from a father's standpoint. It's been very tough for him to let go. Please keep him – well, US – in your prayers as we adjust to life as empty-nesters.

    Thanks for this post, Billy. I'm sending it to my sons. :-)

    Blessings,
    Beth

  • katdish

    Marni – What? Lindsey reads Billy's blog? Does she read mine, or is that a no-no in your house? Inquiring minds wanna know…

  • Shanda

    A great reminder that God has His hand in where you are working!

    It is hard to imagine time passing so quickly, but I know that it will.

    We often send care packages to our nieces and nephews at college. In the first one we sent we mailed a towel that was visually divided in half. The top half was white and in navy it read, "head" and the other side was navy and written in white read, "b-u-t-t." You know, for when you run out of quarters… ;) (he LOVED it by the way!)

  • FaithBarista Bonnie

    Loved your packing list.

    For my boys, I'll be sure to sneak in a whole lotta fellowship and friendship to keep their hearts warm at night.

    College was one of the best time in my life. So, I figure I'll be super excited for my boys to get their taste of freedom.

  • harry seenthing

    hello…..
    introduce me, i'm harry from ciamis…
    is my first time to visiting here…wow ur blog so good, i hope we can make a friends in here…and maybe someday i'll find something to learn in here. Thanks

  • L.L. Barkat

    It does take time. And the time is now… for laying the tracks, putting the little items where they need to be when we go looking for them later on.

  • janelle

    Billy, I remember leaving my daughter the first time…and a reminder of how important dads are.

  • Heart2Heart

    Billy,

    This would make for a great commencement speech for someone leaving high school and entering not only college but the adult world as well.

    Well done and I'm keeping a copy so when parents ask me if they have forgotten anything, I will simply pass along your words.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  • Jennifer

    Yes to making sure she has a firm "faith in God." That's the first time my faith came under fire, and I wasn't prepared enough. But boy did I ever hit the Word hard and fast to find my foundation.

  • Mich

    Beautiful post and so true.

    when i went to college umpteen years ago, it was my grandparents who took me, for my parents were on the other side of the world serving as missionaries. Talk about needing a little courage, faith and love, when you don't even have a mom and dad to go home to on weekends!!!

    Now my baby girl is entering 7th grade and I think the same requirements are needed.

  • Jo@Mylestones

    Mine are only 2 and 4, but I feel like I ought to start the packing now!

  • KM Wilsher

    Oh yeah, wish you were on the other end of the phone when my parents sent me to college :)
    Just kidding.
    Great post. Could use this list most anywhere we go. . .

  • Annie K

    I still can't get past the fact that someone has actually asked if there is 'anything else to do there besides stare at mountains.'
    City slickers…

    Sounds like a perfect college to me.

  • Heather Sunseri

    You are such an inspiration, Billy. I'm glad I read this while my kids are only 7 and 10. I get a little more time to work on all those things you were so right in saying that my kids need before college. That list looks more challenging than the money needed. I'm going to get to work on that list tonight as soon as I get home.

  • Warren Baldwin

    Ah, I've sent a son off to college. That was hard, esp since it was 15 hours away, but we managed. Then, I sent a daughter 12 hours away. You are right, that seems to be harder for the dads. Now, my yougest daughter started her junior yr of high school today. That's hard!!

    Something else that makes it hard when you drop them off: wondering if you nursed every moment of time with them for all it was worth when they were in the home. You touched on that with this line: "the things you have to gather over time." The courage and other things you mentioned is gathered in those moments spent with mom and dad. Mom and dad also gather the assurance that they have done all they could.

    My current post is somewhat about that, if you get a chance to link over.

    Good post.

  • Liz

    Love this post, Billy. It is that time of year, isn't it? I have relived my first child, a son for me, "packing for life" his first year of college several times as friends are sending off their sons and daughters for the first time. Your post is so true – I love the list! Two of the three children in my home have made that move; one more to go. It never gets easier and each time, packing is so much more than new clothes and a computer! I have forwarded this on to my friends who are packing right now.
    Thanks! As always!

  • RickNiekLikeBikes

    I don't think one is every "ready" for life. I think in my experience that one simply prepares to take and handle everything we're not prepared for.

    But I know in whom I have believed and I am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I've committed unto him against that day.

  • Chris Sullivan

    The best gift you can give is an open ear and a tongue that speaks wisdom and encouragement not fear or judgment. I haven't even thought about having kids yet but I'm not so far removed from the other side. The greatest gift you can give them is knowing you are there for them and not just being a parent but a friend they can talk too. Although that changes your relationship with your child, it is the best gift you can give yourselves too.

  • Lauryn Abbott

    Beautiful and Brilliant.