Billy Coffey
Billy Coffey

A Holy Process

March 23, 2010  

photo by photobucket.com

photo by photobucket.com

I’ve kept a journal off and on since I was a junior in high school, which is quite a feat for a guy like me. They’re all stacked in an old steamer trunk I keep in the corner of my office, a hodgepodge of spiral notebooks, leather journals, and batches of loose leaf notebook paper bundled with crumbling rubber bands.

I seldom dig through them. Any thoughts of those scribblings being anything that resembles writing fodder would be cast aside by the briefest of glances. In those books are pathetic attempts at poetry and even worse tries at art. There are song lyrics by everyone from Jimmy Buffett to Axl Rose, love letters to forgotten sweethearts, and at least one ticket from many high school dances.

But though I never care to venture in there, I can’t seem to throw any of it away. That seems a little strange when I think about it, since the majority of those pages represent periods in my life that I tried for years to forget or—at the very least—put behind me. Years that I wandered through my days with neither faith nor hope, not living but merely existing.

When I sit here at my table during those small hours of the night, I often glance up from my computer screen to take fleeting look at that trunk. I try to tell myself I do this to make sure the trunk is still there, but that’s not the reason. Not really.

The real reason? Well, the real reason is that I need all of those journals. No matter how painful some of those memories may be, I need to remember where I’ve been before if I’m to be reminded of where I am now. Even if it means carrying my share of regrets.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. That’s what I once told myself. I was supposed to be the man who lived his life with the sort of balls to the wall, take no prisoners sort of mentality that guaranteed a regret-free existence. Didn’t turn out that way. I can look back on my life and find more that I did wrong than I did right.

Erasing my regrets can’t be done, of course. They are like pencil marks that have been rubbed out. Some are light and barely seen, and some are so deep that their impressions remain. Either way, the end result is the same—the blank sheet of my life, the one that was to be filled with beauty and perfection, is now smudged. I can cover those smudges up. I can cover them with lines and words and pictures so that they’re invisible to most who bother to look. But I can still see them, and in the end I suppose that’s all that matters.

The other cheek we’re told we should turn to others is very often the one we refuse to turn to ourselves, just as the burdens we place on ourselves are always greater than the ones the world places on us. It is a battle, this life. One fought not on the battlefields of distant countries, but inside each of us. The world is a mess because we are a mess.

I say all of that so I can say this:

Our lives are not one long and straight line with birth at one end and death at the other. It is instead a line that curves and dips and sometimes even doubles back upon itself in not one birth or death, but many. Some parts of our lives must end so others can begin. We must say goodbye to some so that we may say hello to others.

In the end our lives are a process by which God both guides and prods in order to make us into the people he wishes us to be, people still flawed and still fallen, but with hearts ready to love and a purpose to help cast aside the shadows of this world. It is a long process. Painful at times and at times confounding. But it is a holy process, a hardening of coal into diamonds, and one we must be faithful to.

Because it’s true that God loves us just the way we are, and it is also true that He loves us too much to leave us that way.

 

(This post is part of the One Word at a Time blog carnival on Faithfulness. To read more entries, please visit Bridget Chumbley)

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Comments

  • http://sharon-justsaying.blogspot.com/ Sharon

    Ah… one of my FAVORITE posts! Perfect timing. It’s where my mind has been. I can so totally relate. And I, too, have several chests full of paged books penned down with memories.

  • http://writingwithoutpaper.blogspot.com Maureen

    To be able to hold faith firm in the midst of the “mess” and darkness where we sometimes dwell is to understand the depth of His love, for in loving Him we learn to love ourselves.

  • http://faithfictionfriends.blogspot.com Glynn

    That process is hard, like those diamonds it creates. And no matter how brilliant or how spectacular, every diamond is still flawed. Good post, sir.

  • http://katshappyathome.blogspot.com/ Kathy

    Sometimes I feel like you’re talking to me. Thank you.

  • http://joyce-fromthissideofthepond.blogspot.com Joyce

    ”The other cheek we’re told we should turn to others is very often the one we refuse to turn to ourselves…” So well said!

  • http://www.lisajordanbooks.com Lisa Jordan

    I love the analogies peppered throughout this post. Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing from the heart. Regrets can leave us bitter, or they can teach us valuable lessons. I’m so thankful God loves me for who I am–flaws and all–and He covers me with His grace on a daily basis.

  • http://www.faithbarista.com Bonnie Gray | FaithBarista

    “sometimes even doubles back upon itself…”

    Oh, I think this is hardest for me. I see this happening, and I’m like, “Why do I have to be here a-g-a-i-n? Aren’t we done with this yet?”

    But, as you say, Billy, he guides *and prods* to make me into who He wants me to be.

    And I won’t have it any other way…. “Cuz I’ve got a trunk in the corner of my office, too.

  • http://www.sarahsalter.com Sarah Salter

    Though my sins be as scarlet, He has washed them white as snow.

    It is one of the infinite mysteries of God how I can be so messed up, yet when He looks at me, He doesn’t see what I’ve done. He sees who He has called me to be. Thank God for the Blood of Jesus that washes me clean every moment!

  • http://www.asgoodadayasany.wordpress.com Marilyn Yocum

    Excellent, excellent! I’ll be quoting you today.

  • http://www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com Belinda Burston

    Billy, I found your blog through Marilyn’s. I am SO glad she pointed me in this direction and that you also pointed me in Kat’s. I love both of your writing. Just wanted to say that.

  • http://hisfirefly.blogspot.com HisFireFly

    I am left without words again Billy. Thank you.

  • http://www.ordinarilyextraordinary.com/ Amy N.

    I always enjoy your writing so much. Life is so busy I don’t often have time to comment. Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes I look back and wish I had done things differently, but you are right, God loves us anyway and it’s all a part of the process he uses to mold us.

  • Katdish

    Come as you are, just don’t stay that way. We all need to remember where we came from. God allows us to go thru hard times, whether they are of our own making or not. While I still struggle to be grateful while going thru the darkness, once in the light, I can look back and see the lesson He has taught me.

  • http://www.maryaalgaard.blogspot.com mary aalgaard

    My journals are in my cedar chest. I like what you said about life not being a straight line from birth to death, rather many births and many deaths. That is true for me.

  • http://www.randommusings-helen.blogspot.com Helen

    One of my regrets is throwing out my journals when we cleaned out and sold my mom’s house four years ago.
    I have other regrets. It’s funny. My one goal as a teen was to live life without regrets. Cute, huh?

  • http://www.JanetOber.com Janet oberholtzer

    Excellent! I reread this line a few times … “It is instead a line that curves and dips and sometimes even doubles back upon itself in not one birth or death, but many.”
    So true … in many ways.

  • http://www.ubervu.com/conversations/www.billycoffey.com/2010/03/a-holy-process/ uberVU – social comments

    Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by LoveWriteCook: Thankful for smudged lives. RT @billycoffey A Holy Process ~ http://bit.ly/d9aCAX…

  • http://www.BridgetChumbley.com Bridget

    Those smudges are a part of us… the good, bad, and ugly.
    This is a great lesson, and just what I need to read. Thanks, Billy.

  • http://blog.breakthroughalaska.com jasonS

    Great post, Billy. That suffering is too valuable to forget and God doesn’t waste a moment of it as He changes and transforms us… Thanks.

  • http://susan-moment.blogspot.com/ S. Etole

    You tell it well …

  • http://kevinmartineau.blogspot.com Kevin M.

    “Because it’s true that God loves us just the way we are, and it is also true that He loves us too much to leave us that way.”

    Amen Billy!

  • http://www.endeanmom1.blogspot.com Beth E.

    We can’t reach our destination without the journey. My prayer is that every step in that journey brings me closer to becoming the woman of God I am called to be.

    Great post, Billy!

  • http://lexiconluvr.blogspot.com L.T. Elliot

    You’re the master of the blog post ending line. Seriously.

    I love that line, that God loves us too much to leave us that way. That’s a love you can’t buy.

  • http://www.stacking-stones.com Heather B

    Hi Billy, I’ve been reading for a while and finally had to leave a message. I loved this post. I love that you are keeping all your old journals. As much as they might carry painful memories along with the good, I’m sure that they also contain evidences of His faithfulness.
    Blessings,
    Heather

  • http://www.gettingdownwithjesus.blogspot.com Jennifer

    I like that … that you would keep the ugly stuff, too — the regrets, mess-ups, smudges. No doubt, a lot of character has grown out of that old trunk.

  • http://www.steeletheday.com Candy

    He “guides and prods” – you nailed that one. Sometimes I think He must feel like he’s herding cats with me. So grateful for His unending faithfulness.

  • Barbara Frazier

    Great post Billy! Kind of reminds me of the song by Rascal Flatts “God Bless the Broken Road”. Hold on to all of your old writings; when the world realizes what a great author you are, imagine what they’ll be worth!

  • http://theoppositepc.blogspot.com Frank

    I love your illustrations. You’re always so real and vulnerable in your posts. Thank you. We’re all being refined by fire.

  • http://sandraking-beholding-god.blogspot.com/ Sandra Heska King

    “The burdens we place on ourselves are always greater than the ones the world places on us.”

    So true. There’s some past pain I’m glad I never put on paper, but the memories still stab my soul sometimes. I think God allows those scars to remind us that others aren’t yet healed. To share burdens.

  • http://staceysthoughtsoninfertility.blogspot.com Stacey

    Excellent post, as always! I particularly like and identify with this line: “I need to remember where I’ve been before if I’m to be reminded of where I am now.”

    Perfect. Thanks, Billy!

  • http://storiesbyjb.com JoAnne Bennett

    Great post Billy. I have been reconnecting with a number of childhood friends from as far back in elementary school on FB. This has been quite interesting since I’ve never lived somewhere for very long. Your words fit perfectly to where I am presently, ” No matter how painful some of those memories may be, I need to remember where I’ve been before if I’m to be reminded of where I am now.”Even if it means carrying my share of regrets.” I can’t even imagine the words and feelings that would have been in my journal if I had kept one. Thanks for sharing!