Billy Coffey
Billy Coffey

Ever forward

August 20, 2010  

I sat on the edge of my son’s bed and tapped the paintbrush against my hand.

“You know that brush is wet, right?” my wife asks.

I don’t. Not till then. I smear the blue against my jeans, thinking that if I had bought them at the store like that, it would have set me back about a hundred dollars.

“Is he sure he wants to do this?” I ask.

“He said he did,” she answers.

“Do you believe him?”

She pauses then says, “I don’t want to.”

“Me neither,” I say, “but it’s his room, right?”

Another pause. Then: “Right.”

We had painted the Winnie the Pooh mural when our daughter was born, and she had slept beneath it for two years until she had to move out to make room for our son. But at five, he thinks Winnie the Pooh is for kids. And he is no longer a kid. My task today is to erase it. To paint over it and cover it up with pictures of Derek Jeter and Lou Gehrig.

I do not want to do this.

So this morning I painted the trim, the doors, and the other three walls, trying to postpone the inevitable. But with everything else done, the inevitable is here.

It’s just a stupid wall, I tell myself. But it’s not, and I know that. This is a symbol. A memory of the fear and joy of becoming a parent for the first time.

You battle the passage of time with your children. You fight to keep them small and innocent and on your lap. And even if you know they will soon be big and experienced and on their own, you fight anyway.

Painting over this feels like surrender. And I’m not quite ready to wave the white flag.

My eyes gaze around his room, and I catch myself wondering how much longer my son will be in it. He’ll start kindergarten next year. No doubt it’ll seem as if he’ll start high school the year after that, graduate from college the year after that, and the year after that I’ll be holding my grandchildren.

Somewhere in between, my son will realize something. He’ll find the truth about his old man. He’ll discover that I’m really not the superhero cowboy he thinks I am. That I might be tough on the outside, but I’m pretty soft on the inside. That I can’t fix everything, don’t know anything, and fret over a lot more than I let on.

He’ll have his own life with his own family. I’ll have to let him go so he can find his own way.

Such is the constant churning of life, ever forward and never backward. And though we plant our shoulders to the gears of our days and beg them to stop, they roll on anyway.

But just as I am ready to surrender after all, I spot something on my son’s dresser that makes me smile. Sitting there beside his Lightning McQueen lamp is my father’s wallet, left by him just a few hours ago. My normally steady hand seems to disappear whenever I’m painting trim, so I had called him for a little help.

And he answered. Just like he always has.

A lot has changed in my life since I was my son’s age. A lot hasn’t, too.

Still, after all these years, my father is there for me. There to help me fix the truck or cut some wood or tend the garden. There for advice or wisdom or to shoot the breeze.

Just…there.

The fact that I have my own life and my own family, the fact that I’ve found my own way, hasn’t changed everything. Time doesn’t always break our bonds. Sometimes it grows them deeper.

I move from my son’s bed to the tray of paint next to the wall, pick up the roller, and begin. Gone is the leafy tree, pouty Eeyore, Piglet, and Tigger. Gone is Christopher Robin and the unknown book he’s entertained his friends with for over seven years. And then, finally, Pooh is gone, too.

And that’s okay. Because as I paint I have in my mind a far-away picture of another man’s house and another child’s dresser. And I think of that man sitting upon the edge of that child’s bed, staring at my wallet.

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Comments

  • http://topsy.com/www.billycoffey.com/2010/08/ever-forward-2/?utm_source=pingback&utm_campaign=L2 Tweets that mention Ever forward : Billy Coffey — Topsy.com

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  • http://www.jeannedamoff.com Jeanne Damoff

    Love this, Billy. Such dear thoughts. You brought tears to my eyes. But I have to tell you, Winnie the Pooh is not just for kids. A.A. Milne always makes my list of favorite authors and always will. And, yes, I know I’m “just a girl” but my 25-year-old son would say the same. I can’t say for certain that he’d display a scene from the 100 Acre Wood on his wall, but he might. If his wife would let him.

  • http://steeletheday.com Candy

    Oh my, Billy. Exquisite. Tearfully exquisite.

  • http://www.BridgetChumbley.com Bridget

    My girl has turned into such a young woman this summer, and my boy is starting high school in 2 weeks. I smiled, nodded my head in agreement, and shed a tear as I read this post. Thanks, Billy.

  • http://www.bigmama247.com Alise

    Absolutely beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

  • http://sandraheskaking.com Sandra Heska King

    Oh, I hope you took a picture of that wall!

    And I’m willing to bet, when your son calls, no matter his age, his daddy will be there.

  • http://duane-scott.net/ Duane Scott

    As you have painted your sons wall, the Father above is painting your life beautiful. Yes, the scenery changes from time to time, but nevertheless, God is still painting.

  • http://www.moonboatcafe.com Cassandra Frear

    It’s interesting to me how you often refer to the day when you children will figure out that you aren’t a hero, when they will think less of you.

    This will happen ,as it does to all parents, when they reach the age of disillusionment. But it won’t happen because you are lacking anything. It will happen because they have become convinced that this is the next thing they need to do to grow up.

    And it will pass. Like all the other stages.

    One day, they will return to Winnie and they will bring the children along. And they will embrace him like an old best friend.

    The seed of joy will bear fruit.

  • http://www.joannesher.com Joanne Sher

    You brought me to tears. Beautiful. And such a reminder and lesson.

  • http://www.lynnrush.com Lynn Rush

    Very nice, Billy.

  • http://extraordinary-ordinary.com Heather of the EO

    Get this. While I was reading this, Miles was sitting in the chair next to me and asking when he will turn six (he JUST turned five). I said it would be a long time and he said, “like tomorrow?”

    yeah, pretty much.

    I love this post. Thank you, Mr. Coffey.

  • http://www.nataliewitcher.com Natalie Witcher

    oh mercy, that touches a mom of four’s heart! Yesterday, I held my youngest for as long as I could. Of course, he couldn’t get away, being 4 months old and all, but still, I squeezed and smelled his head and held his little hand know that in a blink, he’ll be walking out my door with his bags and a grin.

    God help us embrace the now.

  • http://aspiretoleadaquietlife.blogspot.com A Simple Country Girl

    Hey, I reckon you only need one layer of paint so that when your boy wants to be little again, all he has to do is peak under one of those posters and see a bit of toddler-hood looking out.

    As a side note, we are currently listening to the audio books of ole Winnie the Pooh. Let me tell you, the one with Judi Dench (as Kanga) is a hoot. Piglet sounds like an old lady with a rather raspy voice. This audio version gives a whole new dimension to the Hundred Acre Woods. Here’s a link:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMc2-RyMCUQ

    Blessings.

  • http://www.homeiswhereyoustartfrom.com Jenny, Home is Where

    oh wow, you got me all teary eyed…

    I’ve been putting of taking down the cutsy-spider wall paper border in my boy’s room, he is 10 now..it’s got to go, but I’ve been dragging my heels…

  • http://joyce-fromthissideofthepond.blogspot.com Joyce

    So poignant…my almost 20 year old was 7 yesterday. I’m sure of it.

  • http://writingwithoutpaper.blogspot.com Maureen

    He’ll come back to Winnie, because Pooh-Bear and all the characters in the Hundred Acres show us what it means to be human.

    My son’s room was painted as a magnificent rain forest, complete with anaconda and tiny rain forest birds (it was 100% accurate). We had to leave it behind when we moved. I made sure I took photos. My only’s 22 now but I think he’d still like to have that room as a place to sit and think.

  • http://cdposey.blogspot.com Posey

    Not to take away from the awesomeness that is this post, but that mural is really good. Really good.

  • http://redclaydiaries.com Steph

    I’m with you. My girls have decided they want their room redone. Because it looks too “little kid”. What’s funny is that when I decorated it for them a few years ago, I tried really hard to make it “hip.” Leopard print comforters hip. I mean, seriously? Too babyish?

    What I realized is that for my girls, what they had when THEY were little is what they’ll consider babyish. Even if it wasn’t by my standards. They had it when THEY were babies; hence babyish.

    Oh well. I’m sure this new tween room incarnation will look too “young” to my girls long before I’m ready to let it go.

    Wow. I think I took your post too literally. The stuff about kids growing up too fast and moving on was touching too. ;)

  • http://www.tendergraces.blogspot.com kat magendie

    I’ve never been by here although we are Twitter Followers – I’m here from Sharla’s blog actually – and so glad I did – beautiful beautiful . . . just lovely

  • http://mommysjourney.blogspot.com/ denise

    reading this post reminded me i want to pick up your book (i’m sure i will connect with you on as many levels as i did here)…you bring me to tears so often and are so eloquent with your choice of words and how you share your stories…i so infrequently comment and really have so little to say now other than thank you for putting into words the thoughts/feelings/experiences i have so regularly trying to hold on to those precious little moments of childhood to slow down the inevitable clock of growth…i loved how you brought it back around to your son glancing at your wallet and feeling as you do now…such a gift to provide this through the generations…my daughter starts kindergarten in 2 weeks and somehow this seems one of the hardest milestones to get through…like she is stepping into a new realm where i will not be with her every moment trying to experience life through her eyes…these are the moments when i reconsider and want to homeschool but i know i will have to “let go” someday…looking forward to sharing the steps of these journeys with you…

  • http://angiemizzell.com Angie Mizzell

    With two boys, ages 4 and 1, this post hits me square in the heart. These very things keep me up and night… I’m overwhelmed by the passing of time. But I also find comfort that “time doesn’t always break our bonds. Sometimes it grows them deeper.” Because if that’s the way it is, I have a lot to look forward to. It’s hard to imagine that it keeps getting better, but I’d like to think it does.

  • http://www.jasonpauljones.wordpress.com Jason Jones

    damn you, Billy Coffey!
    why you gotta make me cry in front of people?

    rock on, dude. another awesome post. never regret poppin’ over here, seein’ what you have to say. our boys are seven and three and sharing a room at the moment .. we were just talking about how much longer we could keep their room as is … yep …. just amazing how it flies.

    Have a great week, bro.

  • http://hikingtowardhome.blogspot.com/ Sharon

    I painted a wall like that once. Our best friend’s first baby. The first baby among the gang we hung out with. I regret having painted it directly on the wall and not on a canvas. They moved out of the house within two years. It was painted on a plaster wall so we could not even cut it out and move it because it was not on drywall. It was similar to yours only it was Classic Pooh not the Disney souped up version.
    The baby is now in high school, I think. Ugh. Time flies by way. too. fast.

  • http://www.lovewellblog.com Kelly @ Love Well

    So I Tweeted this on Friday and read it and thought about it and put the bookmark in a folder to recommend it on my blog sidebar.

    But I didn’t comment. Because I was afraid it would make me cry.

    This is profound and lovely and so sweet and yet strong.

    Our job, as parents, is to lovingly paint Pooh when they are little and then paint over him as they grow. It’s bittersweet, this job of raising offspring. What a joy. My heart can barely contain it. It just breaks with the growing, that’s all.

  • http://terri-treasures.blogspot.com Terri Tffany

    Wonderful! It makes me think of my grandson who I just sent a Winnie the Pooh book and I think at three he is already phasing out of him. They grown and change so fast. Great writing as always.

  • http://www.kellylangnersauer.com/ Kelly Langner Sauer

    there is courage here, and comfort.