Billy Coffey

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Loving thy neighbor

April 7, 2009 by Billy Coffey 30 Comments

My friend Pete loves everybody. It’s a matter of pride to him, I think. He’ll tell you that he loves you the first time you meet him. Doesn’t matter who are or what you look like, either. “I’ve never met anybody I didn’t love,” he’ll say, “’Cause I love Jesus and Jesus loves me. So I gotta love you, too.” Then he’ll grab you in his gargantuan arms and lift you off the ground, shaking your bones like a pair of dice.

That’s Pete.

Pete is also as traditional as they come. Church every Sunday and Wednesday, and not a morning goes by without scripture and prayer. The combination of the two has infused in him and his family a bedrock of faith that for years refused to be shaken by anything life could throw at him.

Until the other day. Until my phone rang and he said in his breathless, forty-four-year-old voice, “You gotta get over here. Now.”

Pete was on his front porch when I got there, rocking back and forth in a lawn chair that was not made for rocking, looking thoroughly displeased. He offered me our usual snack—a Coke and a bag of peanuts. I proceeded to dump the latter into the former and take a sip of the salty sweetness.

“What’s up?” I asked him.

“Don’t believe it,” he said. “Don’t believe it, don’t believe it, dontbelieveit.”

“Don’t believe what?” I asked. Another sip.

“Johnson house sold there, across the street,” he said, pointing.

I turned around and followed his finger. Sure enough, the FOR SALE sign on the house across from his had been topped with another that said SOLD. The Johnsons had moved three weeks ago, and everyone figured that the house would be empty for a long while given the economy.

“Great,” I said, facing him again. “You have new neighbors. What’s the problem?”

“Dontbelieveit dontbelieveit dontbelieveit.”

“Pete, you swallow something you weren’t supposed to?” I asked. “You been in the moonshine?”

“Lookie!” he almost shouted, pointing again. “Lookie there and see what the cat done dragged in. Dontbelieveit!”

I turned again. Standing on the front porch of the Johnson house were Pete’s new neighbors. Older lady, slightly younger gal. They were attempting to arrange an assortment of rocking chairs and tables just so and not quite getting it. An aggravating situation for some, though they seemed in bright enough spirits.

“Pete, I don’t—”

“—LOOKIE!”

The older woman, now utterly confused by the configurations of her new porch, simply gave one of the rockers a hard shove into the younger lady. The act of frustration was met with laughter from both, who then proceeded to fall into one another’s arms and share a very long, very deep…kiss.

“Dontbelieveit,” I said.

Pete buried his head in his hands. “Lawd,” he said. I wasn’t sure if he was praying or merely dumbfounded. “Lawd Jesus God help me.”

Praying.

“Lawd, why’d You do this to me?” he moaned. “Thissa sort of thing that happens out in Hellywood, Lawd. Not ’cross the street.”

I shook my head in amazement, and the sheer irony of it all made me laugh. Pete, God-and-mama-and-apple-pie Pete, I-love-everybody Pete, had gotten a gay couple for neighbors.

“Huh,” I said. “Ain’t that something.”

“Somethin’?” he retorted, raising his head to look at me. “Don’t you know this ain’t good? Ain’t you read your Bible, boy?”

“Yep,” I said.

“Well, there then,” he answered, as if that explained things.

“You a little homophobic, Pete?” I asked, with a sip of my Coke and a smile.

“Homophobic?” he said. “Homophobic? Boy, I gotta eat a corndog with a knife and fork.”

I snorted out my drink and bent over, wiping it from my mouth and blue jeans.

Pete stared at me, unsure of what had just transpired that would cause me to make such a mess of myself. “What am I gonna do?” he asked. “What. Am. I. Gonna. Do?”

I thought about that. What was Pete going to do? Fume and pout, I supposed. For a little while, anyway. But then Jesus would come calling. The Jesus Pete loved and Who loved him more, Who said that hate was never really any good for anything other than eating up your own insides. He would come calling and tell Peter that it’s easy to love those who are like you, that everyone does that. But that love Jesus wanted from Peter was the hard love, the kind that’s not easy.

It’s okay to not like what they do, Jesus would say, because He didn’t like it either. But Jesus also loved those two women, and He wanted Pete to do the same. Because Pete had faith, and because that faith just might be the closest thing to Jesus those two women ever see.

“Just wait,” I told him. “It’ll come to you.”

We stared across the street. The two women resumed their rocking chair arranging, then stared at us.

They waved.

We waved back.

Filed Under: conflict, emotions, faith, living, love

Dear Alex, Part II

February 17, 2009 by Billy Coffey 8 Comments

(This is the second part of my last post. If you need a little refresher, here it is.)

I walked back to the hotel room and out onto the balcony, where my wife was waiting for me. I explained to her what had happened. For the next two hours, we scoured the crowd below for a glimpse of either Alex or Lauren.

We spent the rest of that day on the beach reading and cooling off in the surf. But Alex was never far removed from my thoughts. Around lunchtime I offered to go get a couple of slices of pizza, which was mostly just a ruse to get back up on the boardwalk and keep looking. I asked the lifeguard there if she knew either of them. Their names did not sound familiar to her. I tried describing them, but that didn’t help. Apparently Virginia Beach was full of muscular men with tattoos and beautiful women who wore sun dresses.

Guilt set in. I could not help but think I had failed him. I couldn’t accept that it was merely by chance that I happened to be standing at that particular spot at that precise time. I had believed for years that God had sent angels into my life from time to time, but that day was the first time I ever thought that maybe God had wanted to use me as an angel for someone else. And I had failed. Miserably.

As the day wore on, I began to piece together what I could have said to Alex. Should have said, really. I wrote it down in fragments at first, bits and pieces of random thoughts and observations. I wrote, then rewrote, then rewrote again, until I had what amounted to a letter. A letter, of course, with no recipient.

But I wrote it anyway with the faith that sometimes you just never know. Maybe, just maybe, Alex is out there somewhere. And if he is, this is for him…

Dear Alex,

I hope that somehow, sometime, this letter reaches you. I know it probably won’t. In fact, I’m writing this more for my comfort than yours. But life can be funny, and sometimes even the most improbable things have a way of surprising us.

You walked away from me this morning before I had the chance to tell you what I was thinking. I can’t blame you. I imagine I was just standing there looking like an idiot. I promise you, I was trying to find the words. But something kept me from saying anything.

I suppose it was for the best. Maybe you didn’t need any words. Not then. When people are hurting, the last thing they want is advice. I don’t think you needed words as much as you needed time—time to fall apart, gather yourself up, and move on. I’m sure you’re not there yet, but I’m also sure you will be.

Don’t feel embarrassed because of the way you handled yourself this morning. Such situations tend to bring out the worst in people. You did, however, ask some serious questions, and you deserve some answers. I’ve seen my share of love, both the good kind and the bad, and though I am neither philosopher nor poet, I’ve been around the block enough to know where everything is.

For thousands of years the wisest and brightest of us have pondered the very questions you now face. What is love? Why does it sometimes hurt so badly? And why, if it hurts so badly, do we always go back for more? Despite their vast knowledge and unparalleled wisdom, they haven’t come up with much in the way of answers. In the end, those people were just as lost as you and I.

No one can say what love is all about. It’s beyond words and description. You can hint, you can analogize, but you won’t get it quite right. I never understood why it had to be that way. Now I think I do. It has something to do with the fact that we’re all describing love, but we can’t seem to agree on exactly what love is.

Are you sure it was love you felt for Lauren? I don’t mean to call you a liar, nor do I want to seem as if I am belittling your feelings for her. But from the few things you said, I had to wonder.

You asked me if I knew how beautiful she was. I did. You were right, she was beautiful. But that was really all you seemed to dwell on, wasn’t it? You never mentioned her kindness, her charm, her intelligence or humor. I cannot believe that the only lovely features she possessed were those on the outside. Maybe I’m over analyzing. But you made it seem as if you weren’t going to miss her nearly as much as you were going to miss her body. And that is exactly the point I’m trying to make. It didn’t sound to me like you were in love, Alex. It sounded like you were in lust. You don’t fall in love through the eyes; you fall in love through the heart.

You no doubt felt something, and that, I suppose, is good enough at first. I remember you telling Lauren that you professed your love to her every day. With words, I believe you said. And that is, of course, a good habit to adopt. But words are not nearly enough.

Love is the most overused word in the English language. We can say we love anything: chocolate or a shirt or a pet or a picture. We love cars, houses, movies, even certain days of the week. Is it any wonder, then, that when we say we love someone, the true meaning of those words becomes lost? If I say I love steak and then say I love my children, what have I really said? Sure, it might simply be a matter of semantics, but that’s why love cannot be fully communicated in words alone.

It took me all of five minutes to tell my first girlfriend that I loved her. It took almost a year after I started dating my wife. Why? Because between those two were many others who showed me that words aren’t enough, and that what I thought was love really wasn’t.

I’ve known a lot of Laurens, Alex. I’ve given my heart away, just like you. And just like you I’ve had it handed right back. I swore each time that I would never allow myself to fall in love again. That vow usually lasted about a month, at which time my heart would meet another’s and the dance would begin anew.

Why would I continually subject myself to this torture? Easy. I wanted someone to love, and I wanted someone to love me back. There’s nothing wrong with that. Most of us couldn’t imagine not having someone to share our lives and our hearts and our dreams with. The hurt that comes from losing someone we love can be unbearable. But the hurt that comes from closing ourselves off from the world is much worse. Pain isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Numbness is.

We are meant to love and to share, and if we do not allow ourselves the opportunity to do so, we become less than we should. Any time not spent on love is time that is wasted. Why? Because the more we are able to love, the more we are able to do. We can lose anything else in life—hope, desire, even faith—but when we lose our love, that is when we truly die.

I don’t think the love you had for Lauren was the love you are looking for. Your feelings for her were like the waves we watched crashing onto the shore. It was a love of action, of ups and downs, of surging forth and falling back, here one moment and gone the next. Such love is wonderful and exhilarating, but it is also frail and passing. The love that matters is like the waters we saw farther out—calm and deep and abiding. Eternal. That is the love of wonder.

Even though you might feel like you’re all alone in the world right now, you aren’t. A broken heart is like the common cold. We all know there isn’t a cure, we all know someone who’s suffered through one, and we all know that despite whatever precautions we take, sooner or later we’ll have to suffer through one too.

We are the only creatures who sometimes hurt our own loved ones for no other reason than just because we feel like it. Falling in love comes with a price. It means fully giving all of yourself, warts and scars and all. That’s the only way it can be. If it isn’t head over heels, it isn’t enough. And we give all of this to someone who is bound to one day at least disappoint us and at worst make us wonder if we can ever love the same again.

Is it, then, worth all the risk?

Every time.

Filed Under: conflict, love, regrets

Dear Alex, Part I

February 15, 2009 by Billy Coffey 5 Comments

As much as we are able, we should be there for others when their world comes crashing down around them. Be there with a kind word or a steady hand. It’s a task we are given as Christians. We are God’s representatives.

That’s why after all these years Alex still bothers me. Because I wasn’t there for him. Not with a kind word or a steady hand. Not even as God’s representative. And though I’m sure he’s fine now, that doesn’t make my failure easier to bear.

Since Valentine’s Day is still fresh in our memories, I thought I’d share Alex’s story. And since that story requires a little more telling than usual, I’ll give half now and half Wednesday.

Deal? Great. So here goes…

June, 1997

I was standing on the boardwalk at Virginia Beach, watching the sun rise over a mini rush hour of pedestrians. Joggers and walkers and rollerbladers paraded past me in varying degrees of speed and strain, all in search of the elusive prize of thinner thighs and flatter stomachs.

My gaze settled upon a couple near the pier. Handsome man and striking woman, early twenties, strolling hand in hand. Their eyes remained low and just a few feet forward, as if that point marked the boundary of their own private world. I smiled. They were a J Crew ad lost in a Nike commercial.

I politely turned away as they neared and stared out at the ocean. The two love birds maneuvered through the crowd to right beside me.

The three of us exchanged hellos. As I didn’t like the feeling of being a passerby into their magical kingdom of love, I was ready to leave. But just when I began to back away, something unexpected happened. The lady sighed, then looked to her lover and uttered the four words that invariably spelled the death of romance and the end of all that is good and true.

“Alex, we have to talk.”

How many times had I heard that? Said that? Enough to know that it rarely involves we at all. And very little talk.

We have to talk. Translation: I have to talk. You have to listen. And this won’t be good.

From the look on his face, Alex was familiar with the standard interpretation. He looked like he had just taken a punch to the kidneys.

I eased back to my position beside them. The public breakup is a classic. Breaking someone’s heart is easier when done amidst people. There’s less chance of things getting messy. And since I was pretty sure things would get messy, I figured maybe I should stick around.

“So let’s talk,” he snorted, then cut me a glance. “But let’s talk back at my place.”

“Alex, I care about you,” she began, taking a small step away from him.

This poor guy’s definitely getting the boot, I thought.

“And you know I would never do anything to hurt you.”

Except rip your heart out and spike it like a football in front of this total stranger.

“But I really think it would be best–”

If we spent some time alone

“–if we spent some time alone.”

She looked up at him, waiting for his response. So did I.

“Lauren,” he said. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, baby,” Lauren answered, rubbing his arm. “It’s me. All me.”

It’s me. Translation: It’s you.

Alex looked to me again. The three feet or so of space between us might as well have been three inches. I feigned interest in a ship far on the horizon, pretending I couldn’t hear.

“But we’re great together,” he said.

“We just need a break,” she said. “I need some space, that’s all.”

I need some space. Translation: I can’t stand being within a mile of you.

“But I love you,” Alex said. “I love you with all my heart. I tell you every day.”

“I know you do, Sweetheart,” Lauren said. “I love you, too.”

I was as confused as Alex at that one, and I almost said something. But he said it for me.

“Well if I love you and you love me, why are we having this conversation?”
“I can’t get bogged down in a relationship right now. If you really love me, you’ll understand. If you really love me, you’ll let me go.”

She snatched her hand from his arm and turned to leave in one fluid motion. Alex remained still, paralyzed by the suddenness of her rejection. Five minutes before, they were inseparable. Now they would likely never be together again.

Our eyes remained on Lauren as she faded into the crowd. Shoulders slouched, he turned to face the world without her.

We both stared out to sea. No words passed between us. Twenty minutes later, I was again ready to leave. The moment of shock was over, and though I knew that for Alex the worst was yet to come, I also knew I couldn’t do much about it.

As I turned to leave, I heard “Dude?”

I turned back around to make sure I was the one he was speaking to. I was.

“This is love?” he asked. “This?! If love’s supposed to be this great big wonderful thing, why does it make absolutely no sense at all?”

I slowly exhaled. My mouth opened to answer him, but Alex wasn’t finished.

“Does love have to feel this bad? If it does, is it really worth it? I don’t even know what just happened to me.” He turned back to the guardrail, punched it with a fist, and winced.

I didn’t know what my responsibilities were in such a situation, so I just reclaimed my position beside him.

“I love her, man. I swear I love her more than anything. Did you see how beautiful she was? So perfect? Did you see that? She was a ten, dude. Oh man, she was so hot. And she was mine.”

I tried to speak again, but he cut me off. His words were coming faster, and I could barely understand some of them.

“Ohman, I can’t believe this is happening to me. What we had was loveatfirstsight. That’s like a miracle, right? I mean we’re meant to be. I know that. HowcanI find another woman like her? Huh? How?”

He paused and stared at me. This was my chance to say something wise and profound. I considered everything he had said, everything I had seen, and tumbled it around in my mind. He waited. Finally, I opened my mouth. Then I closed it. And shrugged.

“Dude, you got nothin’ for me?”

I didn’t. But I couldn’t say that. So we stood there staring at each other for a long moment. Then Alex started mocking me and most of my immediate family in colorful terms and stormed out of sight.

Filed Under: conflict, love, regrets

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